Twas the night before Christmas

Well ok it was the night before the night before the night before Christmas and he's gone out to organise something with the pharmacy and probably the bank. He did try to explain what but I wasn't really taking it in. So I'm left here to await the pony express ( sorry the post office) to deliver something too large for the lettebox. Talk about inefficient, all three items posted the same day, one arrives friday, one Tuesday and the third still waiting. Two cards sent the same day one's here and one's not. It's not that I hate Christmass, not in a Scrooge bah humbug kind of way but fighting depression surrounded by trees, tinsel, fairylights and annoying Christmas songs is not easy. Chances are I will still be in pj's when he gets back as from the gist of the conversation yesterday his reasons for me wanting to get well are financial and nothing else. Add to that his fractured wrist and his desire to sue all and sundry I can't tell him about my debts. I still seem to have to deal with every family crisis even if its nothing to do with me and when her boyfriend had to stay on Saturday because of the bad weather our evening together was hijacked and I really resented it and as a result him, nice as he may be I do find him somewhat trying.
Fair enough maybe some of this is self inflicted as the pills seem to make me worse so I really am loathed yto increase the dose but I know feel guilty for every penny I spend and the desire to self harm was back very strongly today. There is simply no one to talk to, even if my line manager, having suffered herself, does understand she is the boss not my friend and it has to stay that way. So today is the team Christmas meal and no I'm not going but will e mail a copy of my current sick certificate - Merry Christmas boss. Also the impending arrival of my family in January doesn't lift my spirits much either. I have started dreading Dad's calls as he will say ' only you can change it' at somepoint. Stating the obvious maybe but did anyone ask why I feel this way rather than just presuming it must be work. And to cap it all dad wants me to cross my fingers that my contract is extended - the opposite of what I want.
I can find nothing to take pleasure from and am only typing this as my daughter seems to think it might help when I want to self harm. So how do you explain depression to someone looking from the outside in? To someone who thinks that 'bugging' you until you do something will help, but is just asking to be sworn at or something similar.Here's to 2011 if I make it that far, the pills are starting to look very tempting and well just one cut won't hurt.

Let it Bleed

So what’s all this about, the long dark night of the soul? Well for me it’s a long hard look at my life, what it’s like right now and what it may be like in the future. Ok the future is as yet unknown but it holds no excitement or pleasure. I looked deep inside myself and all that I could feel to quote Snow Patrol is ‘ someone save me from this darkness’ but as there seemed to n be no one to save me I have to try and escape this darkness by myself.

So sitting watching the blood slowly run down my arm from the cut just below the shoulder I am reminded of medieval blood letting as strangely the seeping blood seems to be taking away the pain. So maybe there is something to be said for the idea of blood letting being therapeutic. For me personally self harm as very little to do with the actual pain but the release that seems to come from watching myself bleed. I know this seems weird, believe me it seems weird to me so why shouldn’t it to anyone else. The descriptions of the four humours, melancholic. choleric, phlegmatic and sanguine don’t really fit my emotions and I am not about to try and over analyse it. If humourism has any credence then in bleeding I am balancing the humour that has put my system out of balance and effected my physical or emotional health. Not really sure about that but it did help and I can’t really explain why. So when it is suggested that instead of cutting I simply cause myself pain by twanging am elastic band it is going to have no effect what so ever. It is easy to just state ‘you need help’ but when you feel that what you are doing is helping then what do I need help for? All you can do is find me someone to talk to who may be able to suggest coping strategies but with the best will in the world unless the stressors can be reduced or removed what use is talking to a total stranger?

A first post

The long dark night of the soul sounds kinda gothic well its not meant to just that what I need to write here is for me a long hard look into my psyche or perhaps my soul. You, reading this may find it hard to understand, weird or just plain alarming but it is an accurate relection of how I feel right now, have felt for sometime and if you feel the same way to it may help you to feel a little better than I do rigth now trying to deal with these dark feelings. I doesn't matter that I have people I know love me I still feel very lost, confused and alone. So for me it is the long dark night of the soul and well who knows if that long dark night will have adawn at the end of it